Whatever I do, whatever I choose, I am always hurting someone. I never have the right words, the right posture. I never make the right decisions. I am always wrong wrong wrong.
The thing is there are as many answers are there are points of views. Because there is not one human being who lived the same thing, who walked the same path, who had the same inner voice to guide them. We are all different. Our education, our surroundings made us who we are. Our beliefs, our backgrounds set our expectations.
Who am I to tell you that I have the right answer. Who are you to tell me I am not doing things correctly. What I do today may be wrong for you but right for somebody else. The way I acted today was maybe bad for you but good for another being. And maybe totally absolutely necessary for me.
I dont hurt in purpose. I am not evil. I feel every cut, every hit, every ache. I am hurting when you do. I am feeling through you. I am a highly sensitive person. I don’t hurt in purpose. And for a very long time I’d rather be in pain myself than hurting somebody else.
Now I chose me. And yes, sometimes I don’t have the right words, but who does? When it is in the field of love, nobody ever wins. My heart is broken too. My lungs are gasping for air. My whole body is fighting against self destruction and despair. But you don’t see that. The only thing you see is that I am rough, and mean and that I didn’t break only one heart but two. Actually, I broke three.
I just arrived in my temporary accommodation. This is where I am starting this new journey with Ireland and with Apple. What an adventure!
I’ve never known Cork while I was single. I’ve never really experienced Ireland in a time of my life when it was all about me. Firstly it was about the kids, then I went from one relationship to another.
I am glad to be back for this. To see what it is to live on my own in a country that is close to my heart with the only goal to grow. I will create my new routine this weekend. It will be all about feeding both body and mind. This includes sport, reading, bash cooking, meditation, drawing and writing.
Then… then the real work starts again. After a whole year being only focused on my writing, I am glad to have a new occupation. A place where I’ll be able to meet new people too. I just love working for Apple and I am glad to be back.
My time of parties and endless nights are quite over. I am on the way of building a life for myself. Something beautiful and shiny. A life full of laughs, delicious moments shared with loved ones, a journey filled with passion and beautiful skies, an adventure of my own. I am so grateful.
I am back. Back to Ireland. Back to green fields and eternal rain. I feel at ease. Like I really made the right decision. Like I am supposed to be here and now.
I received all these messages from people who told that me I am brave, that they are living through me, that I should write a book about my life. I don’t know. For me it is just about finding my way through the world. I just follow my instinct and it has been working fine till now. I don’t want to sit and see my life passing by. I want to live it. Really live it.
And if it means never experiencing motherhood or never buying a house and settling down, then be it.
So today as I am reflecting on this new step of my life just taken, I am wondering what is the purpose of all this? In which way am I more courageous than anyone else? Is it really bravery or cowardice? Am I afraid of being blocked in a life other people feel so appealing? Is it really what I am supposed to experience? Being a free soul, an unsatisfied spirit who keeps wandering in search of an event, a feeling, an unexpected something that would make her feel alive?
If I was wrong, if what I was doing right now, leaving my soul twin in order to live this life full of creative projects and promises, was not what I am supposed to do, I would feel something way more destructive and bad than just appeasement and delight, right?
This is where I am supposed to be. My new life starts here. I am not a fraud. I know who I am. I am Emilie Boegli, the main character of my own story and I am going to make it legen… wait for it… dary 🙂
There are five days to go until I’m gone, until I’ll be with my beautiful Ireland once again. I am so looking forward to it. It’s not like I haven’t lived there already, but the feeling, this time, is totally different.
When I left Switzerland in 2013, I only had one big piece of luggage with me. Because I thought at one point I would come back. Now I am going with the idea this could be it. I could live there forever or this is just a step in my journey. I don’t know yet. I just know that I am not leaving anything behind. Yes, maybe a piece of my heart will stay with him forever, but my heart will heal… like it always does. The excitement of being able to live up to my own expectations is way too exhilarating.
So five days still to live by his side while my mind is already over there. I can’t help it. It’s like I’ve chosen what I entend to do with the following years of my life and I am just waiting for it to happen. I have to be patient but the thing is I am just burning inside.
So why did I choose Ireland? Why not going back to Switzerland with the security it brings? This is it, though… security. Switzerland is way too comfortable and I need to be challenged. How to grow otherwise? And I want to live in an English speaking country. I miss it.
There is not a lot to say right now. I’ll write to you again, when I’ll be in Ireland. Take care of yourself and thanks to keep following me 🙂
I firmly believe that we have one mission per life. Something our soul needs to experience in order to evolve. One life after another we need to go through whatever comes our way so we can learn from it and grow.
Sometimes, we are lucky enough to cross the path of our soul mate or soul twin, this half of you that makes you whole. When it happens, there will be fireworks, understanding and love, more than you can bear. But sometimes, staying together is not meant to be. Because it is not what your soul has chosen to experience this present life.
I am feeling very spiritual today. I am just sad. Sad to know I won’t continue this journey by his side. He wanted to be a father. I want to spread my wings and fly. We are at a crossroads. We know it, we accept it and we decided to move on.
I feel deep inside of me that we just needed each other for a little while. Maybe to adjust our course, and make sure we were on the right track. Maybe to support one another and fill our hearts with enough love and affection so we can keep up on our journey. To provide one another with that thing that was missing from our lives, this key to all the questions we were asking ourselves. I don’t know yet. I just know it was meant to be and I am glad it happened.
I still have a whole month to spend by his side. We’ll continue to share love and laughs. We’ ll keep smiling and enjoying every little spark of joy. Because this is who we are. We won’t stop caring because this is the end. I will still kiss him goodnight and hug him and love him. He is my twin soul. I will love him forever.
It’s been about a year an a half since the COVID-19 also known as coronavirus has spread all around the world. I know it is not over yet. The virus is still evolving, adapting, changing and continuing to make our lives miserable.
At the beginning I admit that the perpective to be able to write full time was a very happy thought. But… after spending a few months without seeing another soul, I started feeling stuck and depressed. I was fortunately lucky enough to have loved ones living nearby where I was able to crash for a while.
We were all so hoping that this « thing » will go away within a couple of months so we could spend the summer enjoying some retrieved freedom. A time filled with festivals, good times, adventure. It unfortunately never happened. Yes the lockdown was less fierce in some countries and I remember having kind of a blast, last summer anyway.
Flash forward to today. It’s the second summer since the pandemic situation happened and since the day I moved to the other side of Fance, I haven’t made a new friend… Not one! I am stuck at home, all the time, just trying to fill my life up with projects and books, music and films. The reality is… I am soooooo lonely. If I have a piece of advice to offer you, don’t move to a place you know nothing about in a time when lockdowns are happening.
Now? My life with my man is in jeopardy. Because I cannot see the end of the tunnel. I actually learnt something about myself today, while watching an awesome video of « Better Ideas ». The more our contacts with people and movements out of the house are restrained, the more we feel stuck in our own heads. It’s like our spirit or mind is adapting to the life we are actually living. Which sounds kind of logical in a way.
Thinking about it, I just spent an awesome weekend going go the beach, dining at a restaurant, playing games, going to a concert. There were PEOPLE there. I was able to introduce myself to possible new friends. I was laughing, dancing, experiencing. That felt so GOOD.
And… It is now Monday morning and I am like… What am I doing with my life? I miss interacting with people. I miss being challenged. That’s why I loved working for Apple so much. That’s why I love having a good conversation with someone. I want to learn. I need to learn. I need to keep growing and becoming this best version of myself. BUT… I learnt today this is not something I can do on my own. I need others in order to evolve. If I am not challenged, how will I learn more about my limits and how to overcome them?
So now I have my ass in between to chairs as we say in French. I have an awesome life waiting for me right ahead with my man and his kid if I am just a bit more patient. We have projects to travel and create a possible B&B. I also still have time to write. And I joined an association in a coworking place. There we’ll create events and workshops that I am sure, I will enjoy a lot. We won’t start until September though. They already postponed the starting date from June to September and this bloody virus is still spreading. So I don’t know if we’ll be able to start in September at all and I am afraid it will never happen.
The other option would be to leave all behind and go back to Apple, go back to Ireland. There I would find old friends, good friends that I am missing dearly. Meeting new people through my job. Creating new connections. Using my brain for something else than my writings. But I don’t know the COVID situation in Ireland. I don’t know what the lockdown did to people. And… I would be alone.
My love told me to live in the moment. Answers will show themselves. So, now that I know what the source of the issue is, I’m just going to do what I can in order to feel better. I trust the universe to show me the way. Don’t forget that I am a believer.
I have a purpose in this life. As I understood it , it is to share positivity and wonder to all, the best way that I can, which is through writing.
I am officially done writing my last book, the one about cryogenized teenagers and a not so optimistic future. Don’t worry, it is a young adult book, so… No, I am not going to spoil you 😉 I wonder sometimes what is going on inside this head of mine. So yes, the correcting process is done, my book has been sent to this publisher to participate in a competition. Now, all I need is to find other publishers. I won’t wait to hear from this one only.
I already know what my next project will be about. This is how my life works actually. As soon as I am done with something, I am kind of calling the universe, which sounds like “hey buddy, what’s next?” and then something happens. It is so awesome and magical. I am always amazed to see how things come into place.
I have this list of ten things I would like to see come true. On this list, there is one wish which is to be a speaker at a TedX talk show. I want to keep spreading my knowledge, my wonder and my positivity to the world. I don’t know what the subject will be about yet, but one day I’ll do it.
In the meanwhile, I was accepted to take part of a challenge. I’ll create a class on Skillshare about “how to write a novel”. I want to provide people some insight on what it is to be an author. Telling them how to proceed. How I go from start to finish. Why not? I was able to finish three books. It is my method, but it is a way to do it. I am glad if I can help.
So this is the next step of my life. This and the book I still need to finish illustrating. I have so many projects ahead. I am so excited about what my life has become. I am so grateful too. I have about a year and a half to create this author life that I am dreaming about. To have the professional life that I want so bad. I am so lucky and so grateful. Thank you.
I know my blog is called Emilie’s moments of wonder and I feel like I have been complaining a lot in my last posts. I mean, I’ve shared my load of sad thoughts. Life is not easy, isn’t it? I take this blog mostly as a creative outlet. Letting all the negative vibes go out of me by writing them down. And I must say, it helps. And I hope it can help some of you too. Going through the same stuff I do. Finding answers here. Why not?
I guess the current situation is not a stranger to all these bad feelings I nowadays have. Putting the COVID side of things aside, I left my country to follow a man I just met, and fell in love with. I quit my job, left my life behind. I feel like I am repeating myself here. After all I’ve been complaining about all this for a while. Complaining might not be the word. More a way to show how difficult this change has been for me, even though I wanted it so much.
Yesterday I just bought a flight ticket in order to go see my family as an impulse. But, the COVID situation changing so quickly, I canceled it today. I have to be grateful though. My life is amazing. Even if we still are learning about each other, I am living with the love my life. We love each other and show it to one another. He makes me happy. I am also spending days writing, hoping it will launch my career as an author. Some days are most difficult but it is the same for everyone, isn’t it?
So what’s new? I contacted the good fortune teller again. Hoping to know if she could help me foreseeing my future. Her last answers were very great and I needed a bit of positive vibes. Knowing that I was going in the right direction. I am glad to discover that I am. My life is at a big turn, that’s why I decided to leave everything behind. I just need to be patient. But patience is not my forte.
I am waiting for Spring now. For his warmth, his sunny days. I miss going out and let the sun warm my face. I would then close my eyes and would let my thoughts wander. Just seating on a bench, outside. I was able to see the ocean last weekend. Thanks to my love. It was brief, but it was good. I would like to do it again. Soon.
Creativity has its ups and downs. I haven’t been unable to write for a week now. It will come back. Especially as the due date to participate in a writing contest is approaching. I know it will be done in time. There is only one chapter I need to end. But then there is this whole correcting process I need to go through too. It takes time. I am ok. Next week, my boyfriend is on vacation. We should rent a hotel for a night. It could do us some good. Just enjoying being elsewhere. I desperately need it. Before the government asks us to stay at home for another lockdown, again.
I don’t know how all of you are doing out there. Regarding lockdowns, ill family members, distractions cut off. Are you alright? My thoughts are going in your direction. I wish you the best.
I don’t know what I feel anymore. Is it being stuck? Is it because of this stupid COVID and how everything is closed down everywhere? Is it because I am craving for a drink, in a bar, surrounded by friends. Do I miss the laughter? Do I miss the fun? Or do I miss independence? Being able to ride on my bike for about twenty minutes in order to reach the lake? Then sit on a bench and just enjoy the view. Do I miss this? feeling calm and happy and filled up with this energy that I can do whatever I want whenever I want it? Do I miss my single life? Not having to take care of anybody else but me?
It’s been three months…
I don’t even know if I will get money anymore. I worked my whole life. I did what I had to do and now I am fucking struggling with money and I hate it. I don’t want to go to social services. There is a lot of pride in this. I know. But I have done what I had to do in order to avoid this. I won’t go. And I won’t keep struggling. If need be, I’ll find a way. I always find a way.
I know I left everything for love. I don’t regret it. I love him so much. And he is the one. I know he is. I just need things to change. Please give me patience.
Now is it because of all these restrictions? Is it because I miss my friends and family? Is it because I don’t have a job either so I don’t have a way to meet new people? Is it because I don’t have money so I can’t buy new things to make me feel better? Or is it because this relationship is so new so having to learn about him combined with everything else it feels sometimes too much?
I haven’t cried so much in a long long time. I feel lonely. I feel…
I haven’t written down my daily 10 things I am grateful for. I’m supposed to do it every day. It might not help with my spirit either. Because I normally know how to see the glass half full. I am one of these positive people. It’s been just a couple of rough weeks. It has been hard on me. I need to see the light. It will come I know. As I know I am loved and cherished and my futur is light and bright. It will pass…
We all have our ups and downs and adjust to what my life is now takes a bit more time that I imagined. After all, I left everything to start building the life of my dreams. It will take a bit more than a couple of months to achieve it. I am still believing in it, though. As long as I have my goals in plain sight, anything is possible. See? There she is! The positive Emilie is back 🙂
I know… I should stop writing, speaking, or even be in contact with other human beings when I am feeling this rush of emotions running through my body. 🤦🏻♀️ Because I know, at least I should have known better with all these years of experience, I know that when I am soooo emotional, my period is coming.
It always happens two to three days before my time of the month. I mean, this emotional rush of nonsense and irrationalism. This one was bad though… Really bad. You juste have to read my last post to realize how a drama queen I was.
I talked to my boyfriend, at the end of that day. I told him I needed him to confide in me. He said that he told me everything he had to say. I made too much of a deal about it. He also told me he made several attempts to approach me that day. But I was like a wall. My gosh… It makes me laugh now.
I don’t understand it though. Why the universe decided to let the hormones affect us so much. How our rationalism in that period, goes out the window. How our brains just stop thinking straight. Why in time of the month do we have us, girls, to feel so emotional? What does it bring us? Except scared boyfriends and misery? Especially for us, people with high sensitivity. I normally like to feel so intensely. But then… It was way too much.
I’m glad though. To have a man who understands. A man who accepts to talk about it. A man who loves me enough to even like the drama queen inside me. I am so lucky and grateful.
Emilie's Moments of Wonder 