Almost a year has past since my last post on this blog. A year is a long time. So many things can happen in a year. Let me give you a summary of it.
I started learning to play the violin, I found an apartment, I got the job as an event and project coordinator in my company, I self published two novels, I got a job as a team lead apprentice, I travelled to Switzerland, Edinburgh and France, I celebrated 8 years at Apple and one year back to Ireland, I met a lot of new friends and I started translating my book from French to English.
That kind of sums it up. I probably forgot something major and I will be like, how did I not think about it. Well… It if fine, I can always come back here. I think I kind of got a pretty awesome year, regarding how 2022 started. There are always some challenging moments, otherwise life would be a bit boring, right? And how would we learn and grow otherwise?
The reason of my return here. I realized that I cannot run away from people who dislike me or try to hurt me. Haters are always gonna hate. I am at peace. I actually read a letter, on the first of January that I wrote to myself five years ago and I realized how much I’ve changed. It is funny though, I asked myself, on this letter, if I was a writer. And I am. The same way I asked if I visited New Zealand and I will go there in three weeks time. Two dreams would have been achieved in a year. And so many are to come.
I turned 40 years old last November. I always said that my forties are going to be the best decade ever. New Zealand is the first real step, then I will try to find a literary agent or a publisher to have my book published in English. So my holidays will be mainly about book fairs and networking. I can’t wait! I believe in my talent and my success.
Yes 2023 is going to be awesome. It actually already is. For you out there, who is still subscribed to this blog or is just passing by, I wish you an amazing 2023 year! Please, try to make your dreams come true. You owe it to yourself! See ya!
Tomorrow I am starting a new therapy. I am looking forward to it. I have been waiting a month for this first session. I know therapists are really busy at the moment with everything going. COVID brought a lot of pain, loneliness and misery. There is not enough doctors to help everybody as quick as they would hope for. I am lucky I guess. I hope it will help.
I have so much going on in my life at the moment. I am wondering if it is not a way to distract myself for what’s really going on. I had a talk with my best friend on Friday night. It was tough but it kind of helped me to put the church back into the middle of the village as we say in French. I have unresolved issues. Things I need to deal with. Events I need to heal from.
I just don’t want to bring everybody in my drama with me. I am sick of drama. I just want peace and quiet.
This is the year I will turn forty… I can’t believe I am already there. It feels like I am in my twenties still 😂 Except that I learnt, I fell, I failed, I tried again, I grew, I changed, and… I am really thirty-nine years old.
Yes, this is the year the number 4 will accompany me for the first time and will be by my side for ten years. I don’t know if I already mentioned it in one of my previous posts, but this is my favorite number. This is why I decided to make my forties the best decade ever. I will try as much as I can to make all my dreams come true. This is about treating myself. Because I am worth it.
Starting with… Yes I know I am still in my thirties, but I am way too excited to wait. And we are in 2022 right? So I am already in the right year (I am born at the end of the year)… booking my trip to New Zealand. Yes! I finally completed the first step. I’ll be going for four weeks. 28 days of pure delight and adventure. I can’t wait!
I also bought my violin today. First lesson will be next week. Bringing back some music in my life. Being the one who creates it, what could be more magical than that? Yes I know I talked about a trip to New Zealand just above which is already quite special 🤪
So in preparation of this epic birthday milestone, I am going to keep going to the gym four, five times per week. I really want to have the shape of my dreams. So I can nail the bikini on those Kiwi’s beaches. I will also keep writing. It would be awesome to finally be done with my trilogy first draft by the end of the year.
One year to go until my 40th birthday…. 365 days of being disciplined, of keeping pushing myself, of knowing also when to stop, when to relax, when to breath.
2022 is the start of my amazing new life. I am sooo ready for this. It doesn’t mean it is or will be easy. But I know who I am, what I am made of. And surrounded by loved ones, I will be able to move mountains… 🤔😅😂
You know me now, as you have been following me for a couple of years, writing is my way of dealing with stuff. Things I sometimes don’t want my friends of family to know about. But I need to share with people in order to know that I was brave enough to talk about it. That I shared my story.
So these couple of months have been very difficult. In September there was my break up that was really tough on me. When you decide to not stay with the one you think is your twin soul for a lot of reasons, you’re wondering if you will ever love again. I am not there yet though. I have a lot of things to deal with before I would be able to open my heart to somebody else again. If I ever do.
October was the anniversary (if I can say it like that) of the murder of one of my relatives. I am still full of rage and incomprehension of what happened there. Plus, I just moved into that house where already 5 people were living. A house where I am apparently just renting a room. It took some me time to adapt as the primary tenant is really strict with a lot of rules. I am 39 years old but I feel like a child. So it took me time for it to kind of feel like home.
Beginning of December I got stuck in Switzerland and I lost a lot of money trying to come back home, to Ireland. There was a lot of stress there trying to get the test results in time, to catch the plane on time. I’ve never been that stressed in my whole life.
Then, two days before Christmas, my housemate and I had a small argument where she lost it and asked me to find another place to live in. Apparently we were not a good match and she didn’t want to have to deal with me anymore. Two days before Christmas, wow! Especially as I was supposed to have dinner with them and that I canceled my trip to spend the end of the year celebrations with my family, as COVID regulations made it a bit too difficult. But then, on Christmas day, I was still invited to celebrate with my house mates and the mean one came to my room and told me she changed her mind and that I could stay. But how can I trust her now? How can I feel at home?
End of the year, New Year’s Eve plans got cancelled because of my poor best friend who got sick and instead of spending a fun and chill night with her, I decided to spend the evening with a good friend of mine. There was no way I would stay in that house. But… my friend, when he is drunk, he becomes really clingy. I tried to tell him a couple of times to give me some space (because he is always like that withme when alcohol really kicks in. So we ended up in his house with his mum and step father. And this time he went too far. I tried to push him, but he kept his arm around my back and then… then I felt his fingers on my bare skin, on my back. And… memories of what happened with my uncle came back. I decided to go home and I havent seen him since. As usual it is always because of alcohol. This is not an excuse. It shouldn’t be an excuse.
Then, yes it is not over, then about ten days ago I posted an add to say that I was looking for an apartment, and a colleague of mine contacted me. I was like okay, if there are two of us, it would be cheaper. The rental market in Cork is crazy. The prices are over the roof and there is really not a lot of apartments available. So I met the guy a couple of times to see if we would be compatible. We chat about travel, about movies, etc. He seemed ok. But as every flat mate would have been, I friend zoned him. I don’t want to be in a relationship anyway.
I met him last on Saturday and this is when I mentioned that I had date that night. It’s not because I don’t want to be in love that I cannot meet people and have fun. So yeah… I mentioned the date. The worst thing I could have said. He denied the fact that he had a crush on me. But I received text after text asking why I chose him (the date) and not him? Why I didn’t show any interest to him. Why every time we see each other it is only for 60 to 90 minutes, why is he not worth better than that? I didn’t reply straight away as I have a life. So in the meanwhile he tried to ring me a few times. Saying things like we would be able to do so many things together when we would be under the same roof, watching movies, going here and there, waking each other at any time of the night if we would feel like talking, even cuddle… hum… sorry… WHAT? So I told him that it will not work and that my guts told me to stay away from him. I will never be his flat mate. There was no point in contact me again or trying to change my mind. He then sent me a few voice messages to say that « when we’ll live together » and that « I was pushing him to the edge » and that « I was beeing rude ». I got really scared.
Two things to know regarding the last two sentences. First my mum threatened to end her life a few times during my whole childhood. And I did everything possible to make her happy. I took it as my responsability for her not to want to die, letting her having everything she wanted and putting myself second. As long as she was alive it was fine. So… sentences like « pushing him to the edge » kind of triggered something in me.
The other thing is this trust I lost in people. If two people that I loved were able to murder each other, how can I trust anyone I met for only ten days not to try to hurt me because I hurt him.
All this, these awful four months since I came back in Ireland. Really? Did I really had to go through all that? What for? What’s the point in all that?
I talked to my manager about the situation. If the guy tries to contact me in any way, I’ll have to report him. I just hope it will not go that far. I am so sick and tired. I am fucking exhausted. Life can be very difficult sometimes. God I love life, don’t be mistaken, but a little less drama, for a while would be gladly welcome. I just need to find a place to live now. Some apartment where I would be on my own. I am done with flatmates. I gave it my last try.
Now the question that comes in my head a lot is, will I stay in Ireland? Is this just a test to see how resilient I am? How I can overcome what life is throwing at me? I decided to contact a psychologist. I need to deal with all this. To help me feel better. I am not vanquished yet. I wanted to come back home (Ireland). This is the place I always called “my second home”. And I have to say that I love my job. So just a bit of time… Inhale…. Exhale… Everything will be alright in the end… And if it’s not alright then… it is not the end.
Okay guys… I am officially back! Emilie the crazy, the spontaneous, the unexpected is here and not ready to go. If only you knew… This past week has been quite an adventure. Do you want to know what happened? Of course you do… Ok there it is:
I was invited to one of my best friends wedding. As I was a bit tight with money, the groom, as a surprise to the bride, decided that I was going to be his wedding gift to her and paid for my trip so I would be able to come to Switzerland and attend the wedding. Now let’s not forget that we are still in a COVID situation and that, especially in winter, regulations are changing all the time. So I checked and I was able to board the plane on Saturday thinking I would leave the same way on Sunday.
First thing first. I got on the bus at 1am in order to go from Cork to Dublin and then got the flight to go to Switzerland. The ceremony was supposed to be the same day. I am exhausted all over again just to tell you the story… Anyway. I arrived as expected at the future husband and wife’s apartment at 11am on Saturday morning. We got prepared, ate something and then went to the hotel to get the the bride ready. Pictures taken, ceremony done, the party was now on. We went to a great restaurant. I met there old and new friends and I laughed louder and harder that I had in a very long time. It was great. A lot of alcohol though. I was so drunk. I knew that clubs were open in Switzerland and so with some of my new friends we decided to go dancing. At the end I found myself alone with a guy and as tipsy equal horny, we started kissing and he was not the only one…
Flash forward. I woke up at 11am, completely forgetting to set up an alarm. I was supposed to be at the airport at 12.15pm and I still had one hour of train ahead. So I put everything in my bag, ran to the train station, said goodbye to the newly wife and arrived at the airport on good terms. Then… then everything fell apart. I was called at the departure gate. “Do you have a PCR test” asked the stewardess. “Sorry… What?” My heart skipped a beat. “New regulations”. “I arrived yesterday and am leaving today”. “It changed overnight”. I tried to negotiate, to prove that I was vaccinated… Nothing did it and I found myself stuck in Switzerland. Fortunately my brother was able to give me a roof (and bed) for a few days while I was getting tested for COVID and get a new return flight ticket to Ireland.
Flash forward again and 450€ more spent in order to be able to come home, I woke up that Thursday morning without having received my test results. I am anxious, sweating, but nevertheless took the train to go to the airport. Once arrived there (at 9am, knowing that the doors close at 10.30am), still no results. I am then deciding to go get an antigenic test. Because I really need to go home. There is a queue of about 10 people in front of me, and it doesn’t seem to budge. 45 minutes later I am still there. I am then kindly asking if I can go before other people who don’t have a plane to catch. I am finally through. And was able to be at the gate at 10.25am… I received my PCR results at 10.23am…. Yeah… I know… Damn! I couldn’t bet on it anyway.
I cried a bit on the way home. Tears of relief.
This said, I was supposed to go back to Switzerland at the end of the month for New Year’s Eve, but cancelled my plan. This is way too complicated at the moment.
Oh and I forgot one detail. During my time at my brother’s with all the different kinds of emotions I went through, I obviously decided to write to my ex in order to make things right… Stupid, right? Yes… I know. But I needed him to know where I stand. And I admit that it helped me feel better.
So now what?
Now? We are at the end of the year. My head is bursting with ideas and projects and things I want to achieve. Next year is my 40th birthday. I want to be in the best shape ever, in the best professional situation ever independently with my book and at my job with Apple. I decided that my forties will be the best decade and I intend to keep this promise to myself. I have to write a list. I love making lists XD.
So if I am not writing to you in between. I wish you all an amazing end of the year. And don’t forget to make your dreams come true… and to live a little… obviously… XD
Rule number one, don’t make promisses you know you won’t be able to keep. Like… No alcohol for a month… Who was I kidding? I had a party with friends last weekend, then in one week my cousin is coming to visit and… there is my birthday at the end of the month. Seriously? No alcohol ahah! What a joke!
Otherwise, I am fine with the three other challenges. I am kind of writing for my novel every day. I am adding my 10 things I am grateful for on my notebook every morning. I am going to the gym 4-5 times per week. I am really proud of myself. And regarding men… I am done with those for the moment. Too happy just seeing my friends and enjoying some me time.
I’ve finally found a rhythm. Being really strict with my routine during the week and allowing myself some spontaneous and free time for the weekend. Which kind of give me a sort of balance. I then don’t feel too stuck in a tight schedule that doesn’t suit me.
So this is for week one. Let’s see how the end of the month goes 🙂
I am writing a lot these days. There is something therapeutic about it. It helps me better understand my emotions in order to take the next step in feeling better.
There are things I should do for myself. I am always there for others, always afraid to disappoint, to hurt. But for me? Yes I am trying to have a routine and have a more healthy life body and soul. This is great but what about kindness? I am talking to myself with really bad words sometimes and shaming myself for things I have done and most of all I don’t respect who I am.
I tell to everybody how awesome I am, that I like being different, that being highly sensitive is a super power. But actually, every time there is a situation where I should not do something or not meet someone or just… every time there is a little voice in my head ringing and telling me “get out of here” or “don’t do that”, I shut it. Because the other person has feelings and I understand his/her emotions so much that I prefer putting myself at risk than disappoint the other person. Why? Simply because I feel that the the other person doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit. I don’t want to prononce the words that he/she will remember for the rest of his/her life. Yeah I know, I am putting so much power in my words. They’ll probably forget about them the next day. But what about me? What about my health? What about my security? What about my happiness?
When I decided to come back to Ireland, I had a plan in mind. I didn’t want to party and go crazy like I used to do. I wanted a break for men too. Just spending time focusing on my projects and making my dreams come true. And where am I now? Finding excuses to not do what I had the wish to do? Especially as these projects are things I like doing. Finishing writing that book, completing this illustrated children’s book, creating a video to teach how to write a novel, etc etc.
And why am I not doing it? Because my friends want to go out and I don’t want to disappoint? And then I feel to sick the day after to be able to do anything? Because I need some reassurance and so I find it by having dates and kisses and sex? And the day after I feel sick about not respecting myself?
I NEED TO F….. STOP THIS!!!! This kind of self destruction. I deserve to take care of myself. I have to show myself some respect and stop complaining about not receiving it from others. How would it be different if I don’t set up an example?
So… November is coming. My favorite month. Yeah, you bet, I was born that month 😉
Challenge number one: Finishing correcting/rewriting my novel. November is the national novel writing month (NaNoWriMo). I have 30 days to complete it and this is exactly what I am going to do. Respect for my creativity.
Challenge number two: No alcohol. This will be a tricky one as I have my cousin coming to see me at the end of the month. And I also have a raclette (melted cheese) party at a friend’s house. But…. Respect for my body
Challenge number three: No men. No dates, no kisses, no dating apps, nothing. Just enjoying the time with my friends and most of all, with myself. Respect for my broken heart.
Challenge number four: Really really really writing down my schedule for the week, each Sunday. A schedule about sport, meditation, gratitude, stick to my routine. Respect for my soul.
This is great. I am looking forward to letting you know how things are going one week after the other.
I am overwhelmed. I feel so much, too much. I am constantly crying. Asking myself a thousand questions. Why? How? but more importantly When… When I will be able to feel completely myself again?
First step… Grieving. Ending a relationship is like losing someone. You go through all these steps. I am done with the shock and denial. I understand now that we were not meant to be. Then the pain and guilt. This part is at the end of the process. My gosh that was a tough one. Especially as there was a kid involved. I felt so hurt just by the thought of destroying someone’s love and happiness. Now, there is a bit of anger. Like I’ve been betrayed. I left because this was not what was promised and I know that I created my own expectations, I am the one to blame for that. Then there will be loneliness and depression. I feel it already. Trying to get out of it. There are some glimpses of time when I feel really happy and I can feel I am on the right track but I mostly feel alone and sad. So sad.
So I said to him to stop contacting me. That I needed to be able to move on. That by constantly reminding me that he was there, waiting to hear about how I was feeling and telling all about his day to day life, I was not able to turn the page. If… I mean if really there is a chance for us to become friends at some point, we have to stay apart for a while. No communication, nothing.
We broke up. We didn’t simply stop loving each other. We broke up because there was no future for us in this relationship, We were not friends before we decided to be together so in order to become friends we need to end the relationship. Then maybe we will be able to build something new.
So… Life goes on. I really like my job. I am happy about the friends I have around. I have a good support here. I am settling down in my new place. I will enjoy this quiet weekend. I have so many things coming ahead. I am still grateful about everything, my life, the opportunities, the love, the joy, the laughs. I just need time. One day at the time.
Fall has always been my favorite season. The color changing trees, the warm beverages, the fashion style made of boots and sexy tights. I just love it.
There is also something in the air. I never felt more creative than during that season. I can feel it growing inside of me, growling, wanting to go out. My pencils, my watercolor are calling for me. I need to get to them and just… let go. Let my life become a mix of paint, cards, pieces of fabrics, glitters, pictures, papers. An explosion of art.
I just needed to be settled first. It is almost done. I just moved in my new home. I will be happy here. Once I have ordered my bike to be more independent and I have my gym membership in hands, I’ll be able to create a routine that would suit me and I’ll finally have a free mind to create whatever I want. It is not a question of weeks anymore, just a question of days.
My mind is getting more free, more wild, more like it should be. I missed being that person. But I know the Universe is watching over me. It actually never stopped. I had a proof today. I was so miserable this morning, wondering if I made the right choice in moving to that place. And as I was walking, soaking wet, missing my bus, this gentleman pulled over and offered me a lift. What could be nicer than that? Thank you sire, you made my day ❤
I never stopped being grateful. I still do it, every morning, thanking the Universe for all these little things that make my life so beautiful. Being appreciative of what we have is what really matters. Happiness is in the little things. Happiness is in the way we look at the world and what we see in ourselves. I feel lucky and grateful and full of hope and wonder. I can’t wait to see how my life will evolve. At the same time I am appreciative of what I have today and who I am at this exact moment. Life is awesome ❤
I am sad. I am hurting. I am going through a difficult time. Regardless of my positive mindset and the fact that I am so happy with my job and my friends and everything that I am building for myself, I am still in a healing process and it is painful.
I thought I wouldn’t mention receiving these mean comments these past couple of months as the person would be too happy to know that they were able to hurt me, but why not after all. It’s been almost three years since our break up. He doesn’t know what I’ve been through during this time. Neither does he know what my life was like.
I don’t know how people can create pain in purpose. How can you choose to hurt somebody else. Are we not able to think? To feel? To understand the other at a level where it all makes sens? Are we so unable to put ourselves in other people’s shoes? I don’t understand it.
I have known abuse, sexism, patriarchy, fear, misunderstanding, horror, loss… I would nevertheless always choose to swallow those bad words rather than hurt somebody else. We are smarter than that. We were all born with a similar beating heart. The same red blood runs in our veins.
I am at a bad place at the moment. But I am surrounded by loving, caring, awesome people in a country I learnt to love so much. I am in a different place that I was eight years ago, when this adventure with Ireland started. My goals are not the same anymore. I just have to let the pain go. I need to live it then make space for these things called joy, surprise and delight. I happy though. Just sad. And I am allowed to be.
Emilie's Moments of Wonder 