Respect!

I am writing a lot these days. There is something therapeutic about it. It helps me better understand my emotions in order to take the next step in feeling better.

There are things I should do for myself. I am always there for others, always afraid to disappoint, to hurt. But for me? Yes I am trying to have a routine and have a more healthy life body and soul. This is great but what about kindness? I am talking to myself with really bad words sometimes and shaming myself for things I have done and most of all I don’t respect who I am.

I tell to everybody how awesome I am, that I like being different, that being highly sensitive is a super power. But actually, every time there is a situation where I should not do something or not meet someone or just… every time there is a little voice in my head ringing and telling me “get out of here” or “don’t do that”, I shut it. Because the other person has feelings and I understand his/her emotions so much that I prefer putting myself at risk than disappoint the other person. Why? Simply because I feel that the the other person doesn’t deserve to be treated like shit. I don’t want to prononce the words that he/she will remember for the rest of his/her life. Yeah I know, I am putting so much power in my words. They’ll probably forget about them the next day. But what about me? What about my health? What about my security? What about my happiness?

When I decided to come back to Ireland, I had a plan in mind. I didn’t want to party and go crazy like I used to do. I wanted a break for men too. Just spending time focusing on my projects and making my dreams come true. And where am I now? Finding excuses to not do what I had the wish to do? Especially as these projects are things I like doing. Finishing writing that book, completing this illustrated children’s book, creating a video to teach how to write a novel, etc etc.

And why am I not doing it? Because my friends want to go out and I don’t want to disappoint? And then I feel to sick the day after to be able to do anything? Because I need some reassurance and so I find it by having dates and kisses and sex? And the day after I feel sick about not respecting myself?

I NEED TO F….. STOP THIS!!!! This kind of self destruction. I deserve to take care of myself. I have to show myself some respect and stop complaining about not receiving it from others. How would it be different if I don’t set up an example?

So… November is coming. My favorite month. Yeah, you bet, I was born that month 😉

Challenge number one: Finishing correcting/rewriting my novel. November is the national novel writing month (NaNoWriMo). I have 30 days to complete it and this is exactly what I am going to do. Respect for my creativity.

Challenge number two: No alcohol. This will be a tricky one as I have my cousin coming to see me at the end of the month. And I also have a raclette (melted cheese) party at a friend’s house. But…. Respect for my body

Challenge number three: No men. No dates, no kisses, no dating apps, nothing. Just enjoying the time with my friends and most of all, with myself. Respect for my broken heart.

Challenge number four: Really really really writing down my schedule for the week, each Sunday. A schedule about sport, meditation, gratitude, stick to my routine. Respect for my soul.

This is great. I am looking forward to letting you know how things are going one week after the other.