Breathe darling breathe

I am overwhelmed. I feel so much, too much. I am constantly crying. Asking myself a thousand questions. Why? How? but more importantly When… When I will be able to feel completely myself again?

First step… Grieving. Ending a relationship is like losing someone. You go through all these steps. I am done with the shock and denial. I understand now that we were not meant to be. Then the pain and guilt. This part is at the end of the process. My gosh that was a tough one. Especially as there was a kid involved. I felt so hurt just by the thought of destroying someone’s love and happiness. Now, there is a bit of anger. Like I’ve been betrayed. I left because this was not what was promised and I know that I created my own expectations, I am the one to blame for that. Then there will be loneliness and depression. I feel it already. Trying to get out of it. There are some glimpses of time when I feel really happy and I can feel I am on the right track but I mostly feel alone and sad. So sad.

So I said to him to stop contacting me. That I needed to be able to move on. That by constantly reminding me that he was there, waiting to hear about how I was feeling and telling all about his day to day life, I was not able to turn the page. If… I mean if really there is a chance for us to become friends at some point, we have to stay apart for a while. No communication, nothing.

We broke up. We didn’t simply stop loving each other. We broke up because there was no future for us in this relationship, We were not friends before we decided to be together so in order to become friends we need to end the relationship. Then maybe we will be able to build something new.

So… Life goes on. I really like my job. I am happy about the friends I have around. I have a good support here. I am settling down in my new place. I will enjoy this quiet weekend. I have so many things coming ahead. I am still grateful about everything, my life, the opportunities, the love, the joy, the laughs. I just need time. One day at the time.