I feel like I am on the wrong path. The three months since the first kiss have passed. We are at the time when we start seeing the faults of one another. We should talk about it. We should communicate more. But I keep quiet.
I know he is another human being. He is not one of my exes. This is when I realize that I have a past. Not always a glorious one. But one with its parts of shadows. I have to stop comparing him to everything I’ve known. He is another person. I need to talk to him. I am trying to. It is tough for me because I am very bad at it. I made several attempts already. But he keeps quiet.
I had to go to sleep without a kiss, without an embrace. I tried to reach out to him. Were my words too strong? I never was really good in tempering them. He has to know though. I don’t mind him telling me my behavior was bad. It won’t make me go away. But not talking to me at all? Trying to let things go without acknowledging them first, without talking to me, keeping me in the dark? This, with time, will make me miserable.
Am I not trustworthy? Am I not supposed to be his wife? The love of his life? What do these words mean to him? Is it because I am a woman and he is a man and he also has this stupid idea in his mind that he has to protect me? Man! I have lived! I went through bad shit too. I am a fucking grown up woman. Don’t treat me like I am made of sugar. Don’t treat me like I am not able to accept your bad side too. I signed for all of it. I can take care of myself. I don’t need you for that. I just need you to be yourself with me and love me and share your life with me.
Don’t you see that I am so lonely already? That keeping me in the dark is making me feel even more alone?
How are we supposed to be authentic and communicative if any of us agrees to talk first? Or to start with, simply agrees to talk at all?
I don’t want a superficial life where all he does is keeping everything inside thinking this will make me happy. I will never be happy if he doesn’t share the good and the bad. I want to know him, I want to love him for everything he is.
So how to reach out to him? I don’t know… I feel lost.
I know we have to learn to live with one another. It is as new for him as it is for me. I was on my own, Now I have a husband and a kid to raise. He has never lived with a woman before either. But if we don’t communicate, how to make it better? How to set up ground rules if there is no communication at all? How to be happy together if we don’t say or show what troubles us or makes un angry or sad or simply annoys us?
My love, I signed for it all. I want it all. ❤ I love you.
Emilie's Moments of Wonder 
My dear Milie… I just came here.. don’t know why because it is 1h15 am and I’m still up. You know who I am because we lived many things.. (the “alived fingers ahah”. NY city in a warm warm warm weather and a lost rainy evening finding your ….. catastrophic hotel (lol) to finaly came to my hotel..) . Well, it is a long time I did not have a real talk with you but what you wrote did not let me indifferent. I first saw that you was “engaged” with pacs to someone that … well I did not know ..or nor your family did not know ( Don’t know about that buuuuttt… I’am quite sure). I first think ” well if she’s happy that’s the most important”. And reading all this make me think .. were you ready? or did you just jump into pacs because at the moment you felt like this ? I mean.. I was “wow” when I got the news but for sure happy for you. You know I will not judge you and that I am supporting you. But what you said in this blog just make think “pfffffff what another one!” You deserve good things, you deserve to be loved. Sorry but if after a short time you have some doubts, you are unhappy about how it is with him.. well .. you know what to do. Even kilometers, even if we saw each other once every 5 years or more or less, I am always there and all I want for you is love and happiness. I love you always and.. forever. A.
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